To Ponder in September

Monkey See, Monkey Do

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If you haven't been getting what you are looking for out of your relationships, there are a couple of possible steps to take. We'll use three example scenarios along the way to help illustrate the points.

Example 1: Lulla wants her son, Steve, to stop interrupting her when she speaks.

Example 2: Carla wants her husband, Fenton, to say "Good morning" to her when they wake up.

Example 3: Chantelle wants her intern, Paul, to come to work on time on a consistent basis.

1. Speak on It!

The first question to ask yourself about the situation is, "Have I voiced my concern?" And we're not talking about anything passive, like "dropping hints". We mean really sitting down with this person and speaking clearly to them about what you expect.

Lulla might sit down with Steve after dinner one night and say, "Steve, there's something you've been doing that really leads me to feel disrespected. When I talk to you, you often interrupt me in the middle of my sentences. In the future, I hope you'll let me finish my thought before you speak. As my son, I expect you to treat me, other adults, and even your friends with that level of respect."

Carla could talk to her husband over dinner: "Fenton, I feel really neglected and sad when you don't say 'Good morning' to me when we wake up. As my husband, I expect that you will treat me with even more manners than you would treat a stranger or an acquaintance. So I'm hoping you'll say 'Good morning' to me in the future."

Chantelle pulls Paul aside: "Paul, I feel irritated and exasperated when you come to the office late. Sometimes I have important things I want you to help me get done before morning meetings and it really puts me in a bind when you're not here. I expect you to be at the office by 9:00 a.m. each and every morning, just like my supervisors expect from me. Your future supervisors will most likely expect the same of you as well. I don't want you to start bad habits here that could jeopardize your employment in the future."


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2. Be the Change You Want to See!

The next question to ask yourself about the situation is, "Am I giving what I want?" If you want to be listened to, are you listening? If you want to be hugged more, are you hugging? If you want to be treated with respect, are you treating others with respect?

Sometimes we can selfishly (and hypocritically) want things from someone that we aren't willing to do ourselves. Often, after an extended period of offering up the behavior we want, we find ourselves receiving it on a more regular basis.

For Lulla, she would do well to make sure that she doesn't interrupt Steve when he's talking. Often, especially in the case of single parents, there's an example that is being set, even if it's for undesirable behavior. Lulla may not even interrupt Steve on a regular basis, but maybe she interrupts her husband, friends on the phone, or her own parents.

For Carla, it might be helpful if she initiates her mornings at home by saying "Good morning" to her husband first, instead of waiting for him to do it. It might also serve as a reminder to do so for him, since he may have gotten used to not saying it if she's been letting the behavior "slide" throughout the marriage.

For Chantelle, she might do well to make sure she's punctual herself. Since her issue with Paul is him not getting to work on time first thing in the morning, it becomes even more important for her to be on time to things that he actually sees like coming back from lunch and going to midday meetings on time.



If you decide to try these out, please leave a comment!