To Ponder in May

Are You Listening?

 

 

The origin of tension and many arguments in relationships can easily be traced back to one person, or all parties involved, failing to listen. Here are three quick tips on how to listen more effectively and be more supportive to those around you in an attempt to clear your conscience and have less stressful relationships with other people.

1. Quiet Your Mind and Listen--Don't Just 'Hear'

Listening to someone deeply means that you allow them to say what's on their mind without interruption, but it also entails that you make sure that you are listening with an open heart and are making an attempt to understand their point of view. When we sit quietly and focus only on what our response is going to be once there's a pause in their speech, we aren't really listening. We may be hearing what's coming out of their mouths, but we're really just selfishly waiting for our turn to speak. Arguments often mean that there is pain. Listen as a means of support to help heal that pain.


2. Reiterate What They Said

When the person is finished speaking, it can be helpful to say back to them what you heard. In this way, you both can make sure that you fully understood what they said. Sometimes, especially during heated arguments, we get caught up in the simple idea that someone is angry about something that we did or said and we aren't listening for the ways in which we might be able to remedy the problem. Here are some examples of what strong reiterations might sound like:

"It sounds like you're frustrated that I was looking at another woman and you don't want me to do that any more."

"So, I'm hearing that you were scared, confused, and irritated because you thought that I was trying to kill you because I made you a strawberry shortcake and you're highly allergic to strawberries."

"Okay. Let me tell you what I heard: Kim was smoking cigarettes in the bathroom at school and caught her hair on fire and that lead you to feel disappointed, shocked, and frustrated."


3. Show Support For Their Feelings

When people are expressing strong, unpleasant emotions like anger, dismay, anxiety, or bewilderment, it can often help deescalate an argument to just let them know you understand why they might feel that way. If you've followed the first two steps, you probably know exactly what kind of thinking lead them to have those feelings. As an added bonus, most people have felt the entire range of human emotion at some point in their lives, so surely you can understand the unpleasantness of any of the emotions they might be feeling (hurt, nervousness, inadequacy, alienation, impatience, panic, jealousy, regret, embarrassment, doubt, grief, outrage, etc.). Be supportive by letting them know that you understand how they might feel that way. There are times when we think we're the only people on the planet who feel certain emotions, and that's just not true. Using the example above, here are some supportive responses:

"I can understand being frustrated, especially if you're afraid that I'm not attracted to you or want to be with other women. It can be painful to think you're not wanted."

"I get that you might have been scared when you first saw the cake and irritated that I made it for you."

"I'd feel frustrated, disappointed, and shocked if my daughter had done those things, too."


Over time, once you get into the habit of doing these three steps during a disagreement, you may notice that you start to have fewer arguments and more meaningful conversations about your relationship with the other person.

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To Ponder in April

Forgiveness

 

 

Out of all the concepts that exist throughout our regular human interactions, forgiveness is sure to be at the top of most people's list as the hardest thing to exercise. Some people say they have forgiven someone, yet they still speak ill of them behind their back and behave in passive-aggressive ways towards them. Other people don't even make an attempt to pretend that they have forgiven someone. Though the other person has moved on with their lives, the one who was wronged is still holding on to that incident and those feelings of frustration, anger, even hatred, for years on end.

True, lasting forgiveness consists of two components. First, it's helpful if you have compassion for the other person. This doesn't mean that you agree with what they've said or condone the actions that they took, but it means you can understand how someone in their position (i.e., with their background, living in their neighborhood, being of their religion, have been mistreated as they have, growing up in their kind of family, etc.) might react the way that they did.

For instance, Tika might scream at Clarence whenever she gets angry, whether he has anything to do with her feeling angry or not. It could be because she couldn't find a parking spot this morning and was late for work, got in an accident on the way home, or found some fraudulent charges on her credit card. Clarence may feel angry, defensive, confused, and hurt by Tika's yelling. Ideally, Clarence might take a deep breath and remember that Tika grew up in a home where he mother nearly constantly was yelling at her father. Her mother had instilled in her, indirectly, the idea that any pain or happiness that happens in life stems from your husband in some manner or another. In Tika's mind, Clarence is solely responsible for her feelings. She doesn't know any different.

At this point, Clarence has completed the first step towards true forgiveness--understanding.

After understanding what the person might be thinking and feeling, the second step towards forgiveness can be achieved by merely choosing to believe that the pain and discomfort that this person is causing you is not intentional. They haven't set out on some malicious mission to harm you, they simply don't have any healthier skills related to how to cope with their own feelings. When you truly begin to believe this and accept it as a fact, you'll notice that you're more likely to feel emotions such as pity and sympathy, versus indignation or ire.


Not Just For Others

Often, people believe that offering forgiveness has a main purpose of giving something to the other person. While it's true that the 'guilty' party may feel a sense of relief from knowing you aren't holding anything against them, and that all the grievances between the two of you have been addressed, forgiveness probably does as much good, if not more, for you.

When you forgive, it takes the incident off of your mind. It's stressful to walk around holding grudges. The saddest part is, if you've already told someone you forgive them, or if you haven't addressed the issue with them at all, they are living life without any idea that you're bothered by something they did or said. They're not venting about it to their friends. They're not devising plots to get back at you in some passive-aggressive manner. They're not feeling pangs of anger every time they see you. Regarding the issues between you and them, their life is relatively peaceful. You deserve that peace as well.

Though it will take some time, there's no harm in taking a stab at forgiving someone (even if it's yourself) today. Remember that forgiveness doesn't mean letting someone hurt you repeatedly. Clarence can let Tika know that he understands where she's coming from, but will start interrupting her tirades when she begins blaming him from now on instead of sitting back and taking it. He can still feel that peace in his heart of forgiving her for what she's said in the past while still protecting himself from her misdirected anger in the future.

What would you like to forgive someone for today? Are you willing to tell them you forgive them?

To Ponder in March

The Luckiest Attitude

You may have met people in your life who seem to have "all the luck". They may work at a company they respect, have a well-paying job that they enjoy, and live in their dream home with a spouse whom they are madly in love with.

While it certainly does seem like there are times when things appear to fall in place, and other times when things seem to just fall apart, keep in mind that our own attitudes and beliefs can have an affect on how those around us treat us. 

Take a marketing position for example. Monique is fresh out of school, not an ounce of experience under her belt besides a stint of work study in the library at her university. Katie is a marketing veteran who was laid off when her old agency was downsizing due to economic constraints and has now been unemployed for nearly six months. 

If Monique is positive and hopeful, she stands to be a real contender in a match for the position. Because of her bright outlook, she's likely to give off more signals and show more concrete body language during her interview that will actually increase the chances that she gets the job. Positive people have a brighter tone of voice, make more appropriate eye contact, have a more open and welcoming demeanor, appear to be more competent and capable, hold their heads higher, have a more firm handshake, and smile more. All of these characteristics make someone more likely to get hired, or at least considered, for a position, regardless of their level of experience. It's kind of like seeing a sculpture in a plain block of marble because you know you have the basic materials you need to mold it into whatever you want. The same can go for people. Everyone has the ability to be trained to fulfill a certain position, but if the person doing the hiring doesn't see the potential and positive attitude, they'll probably be less likely to invest the time and energy into doing so. 

If Katie, due to her lengthy unemployment status, comes to the interview, she may have the mentality of someone who has already been rejected. She is not likely to have a confident, friendly demeanor. She's more apt to speak in a lower tone of voice (which can sometimes convey uncertainty or passivity), have a limp handshake, not make eye contact very often / at all, and give short answers as though she wants the interview to be over with as quickly as possible. The hiring manager may wonder if she's hiding something, whether or not she really wants the job, or even if she's lied on her resume to get as far as she has. They may wonder if they can trust her to take lead on any projects because she's coming off as so passive and cold. 

Katie's attitude can influence the perpetuation of her circumstances. Because she seems so unsure, melancholy, and passive, she doesn't get hired. This simply adds to her negative emotions and perceptions regarding her job search, which is the problem that lead to her not being hired, and the cycle goes on and on. 

Going into each situation you encounter in life with confidence and hope can lead to great benefits and many more positive interactions with others, even if they don't result in more concrete results like a job, romantic relationship, application acceptance, etc. Taking a deep breath and telling yourself that you have all the tools to be successful at whatever you're going to attempt can make the difference between feeling as though you have the best luck in the world, versus the worst luck. 

For those of you who are willing to make a change for the sake of yourself and your family, the following outlines two activities that you can complete to help turn towards having a more positive outlook on your current life circumstances and your future prospects. 

 

Seven-Day Challenge

For seven straight days, sit down at the end of each night and write down the pleasant emotions (appreciated, joyful, loved, calm, challenged, powerful, confident, etc.), the unpleasant emotions (disrespected, sad, disappointed, angry, disgusted, irritated, nervous, etc.), the pleasant events (found a dollar in the laundry, gave a great presentation at work, called your best friend, booked your next cruise, went to see a good movie, had a smooth commute home, turned in a class assignment on time, etc.), and the unpleasant events (hit shin on the coffee table, was late to work, stumbled getting onto the subway, dug into savings account because you were short on cash, had a fight with your teenager about curfew, ate too many calories for the day, lost your keys, etc.).

 

You can use the following table to help you organize your notes: 

 

MON   |   TUE   |   WED   |   THU   |   FRI   |   SAT   |   SUN

 

What Happened?		How Did You Feel?
Pleasant	Unpleasant	Pleasant	Unpleasant

 So, if you start on a Tuesday, print this table, circle 'TUE' and keep the sheet with you to record throughout the day, or just reflect at the end of each day. Your first entry might be something like, "Cashier didn't screw up my order at the cafe" in the 'Pleasant' column of the 'What Happened?' side. Then, in the 'Pleasant' column of the 'How Did You Feel?' side, you might put emotions like 'relieved', 'satisfied', 'grateful', and / or 'calm'.

After doing this for a week, gather your sheets for all seven days and take a look at what unpleasant emotions seem to be popping up the most for you. While it might be helpful to try to determine why you consistently feel this emotion (anger, inadequacy, embarrassment, etc.), for now, just note what comes up the most and write it on the page you used on the seventh day. 

 

Thirty-Day Challenge

Now, do the exact same thing as you did in the Seven-Day Challenge, but add to it the seeking of benefits that might have come from your unpleasant events. For instance, if you had your spouse going on a mandatory business trip as an unpleasant event because you miss them, try to think about the positive side of getting to have some alone time to reflect and unwind, focus on activities that you and your spouse don't necessarily do together, or getting a chance to complete errands or tasks that have been piling up, such as cleaning the gutters or clearing the garage of clutter. Sometimes, you might even learn something about yourself that you can use to make better decisions in the future. For example, if you find that you are losing your keys on a nearly daily basis, you might stop and think about how to fix that problem. Maybe you start putting your keys on the hook near your front door instead of throwing them on the couch or floor where they get lost or kicked around. Then you may notice a decline in the frustration you felt each morning that you spent an extra ten minutes just looking for your keys because you've actually examined and addressed the problem head on. 

You can use the table below to help organize your thoughts throughout this part of the challenge: 

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30

What Happened?		How Did You Feel?
Pleasant	Unpleasant	Pleasant	Unpleasant

 

After doing this with each unpleasant event for 30 days, take a look back at the week before you started the 30-day challenge. How frequently are you feeling those more unpleasant emotions after 30 days of benefit-seeking reflection?

If you decide to challenge yourself in these ways, feel free to come back and let us know how it worked out! Thanks for reading!