To Ponder in December

Anatomy of an Apology

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, but some of us are better than others at taking responsibility for those mistakes and apologizing for any pain, inconvenience, or other discomfort we may have caused someone else. While many of us may get by just fine with a mumbled "Sorry", sometimes this brief show of contrition doesn't come across to others as being genuine. From our body language to our words, there are several ways in which we can show our genuine regret and help heal pain we may have caused for those around us.



Body Language

At some point in our lives, a lot of us may have been guilty of apologizing to the floor, the bird that was flying past a window, or even the cieling. When we don't make eye contact with people when they are speaking to us (in many cultures, but not ALL), it often sends the message that we can't be trusted, are hiding something, are lying, or just don't care.

Unfortunately, though this is the message that someone might recieve because we're not looking at them, we often fail to do so because of our own discomfort with what we're admitting to. Being ashamed, embarrassed, nervous, or scared are other instances in which we tend to not look other people in the eye that doesn't have anything to do with us being dishonest. So, without turning the apology into a staring contest challenge, look the person you're speaking to in the eye (area).

We also show people where our current attention and energy is directed with how we stand. If our feet are pointed to the side like we want to run away, it can (again) give the impression that we don't really want to stand there and give the apology and therefore (possibly) that we don't mean it. Try your best to point your feet right at the person you're speaking to.

Words

Though we may quickly spit out an "I'm sorry" for the sake of being able to attest that we said it, this often doesn't placate someone that has been hurt by something we've done or said. Without making an hour-long speech about it, we can add a couple of more details to the apology that showcase our regret. 

First, of course, is simply to say the words "I'm sorry" or "I apologize". We think it's helpful to do this in a clear, audible tone of voice (no whispering, no mumbling). And we'd still recommend these clearer, more formal versions as opposed to more relaxed speech such as "My bad" or "My fault."

Second, reiterate exactly what we did that was painful for the other person. If you were describing what you did to a person who could not see, what would you say? In other words, "When I acted like a jerk," is not what we're shooting for here. However, "When I grabbed your arm and told you to stop talking," is more like it.

Third, we could tell them what we're willing to do to make sure the transgression doesn't take place in the future. This can provide reassurance to the other person that we really do care about their feelings and honestly don't want to end up in another situation involving the other person being hurt.


We can also add sensitivity to our apology by letting the other person know that we realize that they may have had some strong, negative emotions related to what we did or said. This lets them know that we can understand why they feel these things (sadness, embarrassment, shock, anger, etc.).

Finally, closing an apology with a call for forgiveness can really help someone feel that the apology is sincere. We've already been open, honest, and vulnerable with them. To request, or be open to, forgiveness can show great humility on our part.

Here are some examples: 

"I apologize for calling your sweater ugly. I'll try to use kinder words next time, or not say anything at all. I could see how you might feel embarrassed or be frustrated with me. Can you forgive me?"

"I'm sorry I didn't call you back when I said I would. I'll start writing down when I say I'm going to call you so I don't forget. I can see how you might think I was blowing you off and you might even feel neglected by me. I hope you can accept my apology."

"I take full responsibility, and apologize, for falling asleep during my shift. Moving forward, I'll bring a radio, books, or a laptop to keep me awake so that I can complete my duties appropriately. I can understand if you're disappointed or angry with me. I hope you can pardon my mistake."

"I'm sorry I said you were a selfish brat. I'll try to be more clear about how I feel about the things you do in the future without resorting to name-calling. It seems like you were really surprised and hurt when I said that. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me for what I've done?"

WARNING--Avoid inserting insults into an apology. It may seem obvious to some, but for some of us, this is an old habit. Here are the same examples with some passive aggression / sarcasm added in:

"I'm sorry for calling your ugly sweater 'ugly'."

"I'm SO SORRY I didn't call you back EXACTLY when I said I would." Often the 'SO SORRY' is accompanied by moving our head back and forth in an exaggerated fashion and rolling our eyes.

"I take some responsibility and apologize for falling asleep during my boring shift while no one was here."

"I'm sorry I let you know how big of a selfish brat you are since no one else would tell you."

So, the next time someone seems to be holding on to something you've done that has hurt them and you've "technically" apologized for it, try a more thorough, sincere "I'm sorry" and see if that doesn't help ease their pain.

Tried it yet? Let us know how it went, or any other thoughts you have on telling people you're sorry.