To Ponder in April

Forgiveness

 

 

Out of all the concepts that exist throughout our regular human interactions, forgiveness is sure to be at the top of most people's list as the hardest thing to exercise. Some people say they have forgiven someone, yet they still speak ill of them behind their back and behave in passive-aggressive ways towards them. Other people don't even make an attempt to pretend that they have forgiven someone. Though the other person has moved on with their lives, the one who was wronged is still holding on to that incident and those feelings of frustration, anger, even hatred, for years on end.

True, lasting forgiveness consists of two components. First, it's helpful if you have compassion for the other person. This doesn't mean that you agree with what they've said or condone the actions that they took, but it means you can understand how someone in their position (i.e., with their background, living in their neighborhood, being of their religion, have been mistreated as they have, growing up in their kind of family, etc.) might react the way that they did.

For instance, Tika might scream at Clarence whenever she gets angry, whether he has anything to do with her feeling angry or not. It could be because she couldn't find a parking spot this morning and was late for work, got in an accident on the way home, or found some fraudulent charges on her credit card. Clarence may feel angry, defensive, confused, and hurt by Tika's yelling. Ideally, Clarence might take a deep breath and remember that Tika grew up in a home where he mother nearly constantly was yelling at her father. Her mother had instilled in her, indirectly, the idea that any pain or happiness that happens in life stems from your husband in some manner or another. In Tika's mind, Clarence is solely responsible for her feelings. She doesn't know any different.

At this point, Clarence has completed the first step towards true forgiveness--understanding.

After understanding what the person might be thinking and feeling, the second step towards forgiveness can be achieved by merely choosing to believe that the pain and discomfort that this person is causing you is not intentional. They haven't set out on some malicious mission to harm you, they simply don't have any healthier skills related to how to cope with their own feelings. When you truly begin to believe this and accept it as a fact, you'll notice that you're more likely to feel emotions such as pity and sympathy, versus indignation or ire.


Not Just For Others

Often, people believe that offering forgiveness has a main purpose of giving something to the other person. While it's true that the 'guilty' party may feel a sense of relief from knowing you aren't holding anything against them, and that all the grievances between the two of you have been addressed, forgiveness probably does as much good, if not more, for you.

When you forgive, it takes the incident off of your mind. It's stressful to walk around holding grudges. The saddest part is, if you've already told someone you forgive them, or if you haven't addressed the issue with them at all, they are living life without any idea that you're bothered by something they did or said. They're not venting about it to their friends. They're not devising plots to get back at you in some passive-aggressive manner. They're not feeling pangs of anger every time they see you. Regarding the issues between you and them, their life is relatively peaceful. You deserve that peace as well.

Though it will take some time, there's no harm in taking a stab at forgiving someone (even if it's yourself) today. Remember that forgiveness doesn't mean letting someone hurt you repeatedly. Clarence can let Tika know that he understands where she's coming from, but will start interrupting her tirades when she begins blaming him from now on instead of sitting back and taking it. He can still feel that peace in his heart of forgiving her for what she's said in the past while still protecting himself from her misdirected anger in the future.

What would you like to forgive someone for today? Are you willing to tell them you forgive them?