To Ponder in May

Are You Listening?

 

 

The origin of tension and many arguments in relationships can easily be traced back to one person, or all parties involved, failing to listen. Here are three quick tips on how to listen more effectively and be more supportive to those around you in an attempt to clear your conscience and have less stressful relationships with other people.

1. Quiet Your Mind and Listen--Don't Just 'Hear'

Listening to someone deeply means that you allow them to say what's on their mind without interruption, but it also entails that you make sure that you are listening with an open heart and are making an attempt to understand their point of view. When we sit quietly and focus only on what our response is going to be once there's a pause in their speech, we aren't really listening. We may be hearing what's coming out of their mouths, but we're really just selfishly waiting for our turn to speak. Arguments often mean that there is pain. Listen as a means of support to help heal that pain.


2. Reiterate What They Said

When the person is finished speaking, it can be helpful to say back to them what you heard. In this way, you both can make sure that you fully understood what they said. Sometimes, especially during heated arguments, we get caught up in the simple idea that someone is angry about something that we did or said and we aren't listening for the ways in which we might be able to remedy the problem. Here are some examples of what strong reiterations might sound like:

"It sounds like you're frustrated that I was looking at another woman and you don't want me to do that any more."

"So, I'm hearing that you were scared, confused, and irritated because you thought that I was trying to kill you because I made you a strawberry shortcake and you're highly allergic to strawberries."

"Okay. Let me tell you what I heard: Kim was smoking cigarettes in the bathroom at school and caught her hair on fire and that lead you to feel disappointed, shocked, and frustrated."


3. Show Support For Their Feelings

When people are expressing strong, unpleasant emotions like anger, dismay, anxiety, or bewilderment, it can often help deescalate an argument to just let them know you understand why they might feel that way. If you've followed the first two steps, you probably know exactly what kind of thinking lead them to have those feelings. As an added bonus, most people have felt the entire range of human emotion at some point in their lives, so surely you can understand the unpleasantness of any of the emotions they might be feeling (hurt, nervousness, inadequacy, alienation, impatience, panic, jealousy, regret, embarrassment, doubt, grief, outrage, etc.). Be supportive by letting them know that you understand how they might feel that way. There are times when we think we're the only people on the planet who feel certain emotions, and that's just not true. Using the example above, here are some supportive responses:

"I can understand being frustrated, especially if you're afraid that I'm not attracted to you or want to be with other women. It can be painful to think you're not wanted."

"I get that you might have been scared when you first saw the cake and irritated that I made it for you."

"I'd feel frustrated, disappointed, and shocked if my daughter had done those things, too."


Over time, once you get into the habit of doing these three steps during a disagreement, you may notice that you start to have fewer arguments and more meaningful conversations about your relationship with the other person.

Like this post? Like our page!